Why do I feel so hurt?
I guess it’s not just the betrayal, it’s also the fact that he was the good one. Hypocritical, I know, but obviously emotions don’t give a damn about hypocrisy.
I have made mistakes – at least a couple of big ones – but that just seems to compound the hurt and betrayal. I’m the screw-up, the one that makes mistakes, the one who fucks up and nearly ruins everything. He has always been the good, loyal, forgiving, understanding one – he’s been my rock, my anchor to life and love and happiness.
And then he fucked up.
Now my rock is cracked, my anchor rusted, and I’m left drifting, lost, clinging to what was and hoping for a future that once seemed so solid and sure.
Do I sink or swim?
I found some writing I did a while ago…. Feeling pretty shit today so I thought I’d share it.
Crisscross my arms
But I mustn’t
And only white lines remain
© myself 2013
The Universe is soup.
Every person, every being, every star, every emanation of energy, everything, is an ingredient in this soup.
Some ingredients influence other ingredients’ flavour.
Some enhance other ingredients, some detract from or mask the flavour of other ingredients.
We are all an important part of the soup – it wouldn’t be the same soup as it is right now if any one ingredient was left out.
We ingredients fight over which flavour should be more potent, which ingredients are more important than the others, over whether the soup was created from scratch, flavour building as each ingredient is added, or whether it was created as is, from a packet mix, over which flavours and ingredients came first…
None of those fights matter. All the ingredients and flavours – together – make the soup what it is.
….. or something.
Okay, maybe it can be…. sometimes.
See, apparently when an attractive woman bites her lower lip, it does something interesting to the pubic region of whomever deemed her worthy of the “attractive” part of her description. And there is a certain type of woman who will use that – and likely anything else that has been shown to have the same effect on people’s groins – to her advantage, and chomp down when she’s sure a potential (“bedroom companion” shall we say?) is looking her way.
But nobody realizes: there are some people for whom lip biting is actually a serious (psychological? emotional? physiological?) problem. Akin to a nervous tic or twitch, some people find it difficult to refrain from biting their lip(s) – if they’re aware they’re even doing it at the time.
I know, I myself have a pretty thick scar across the inside of my bottom lip from where I bit a hole in my lip as a child. Okay, on that particular occasion my lip was vaguely numb due to a recent dentist appointment – but I often unconsciously chew strips of skin off my lip, make it bleed, leave semi-permanent indentations in it… all without realizing I’m doing it. Until someone else notices and tells me to stop.
So yes, someone nibbling their lip may look sexy; it may push the buttons that send tingles to your fun-time parts – but for some of us, it’s just a frustrating, irritating, unconscious habit.
I remember the first time I met you in person.
The whamm of your aura as you bounced out of the car. The helloooo in your beautiful, full-bodied, powerful, sing-song voice that I love so dearly, that resonates within my very soul. The HUG – oh the glorious deliciousness of that first hug! I remember thinking to myself ‘wow people actually still hug?’ before surrendering to the wonderful enveloping warmth of you.
My anam cara, my soul friend, my spirit kin….
You fit me like a jigsaw fits the missing piece – we dance in rhythm to the same beat, our flow synching and warping time around our own little bubble of a world…
I love you.