Why do I feel so hurt?

I guess it’s not just the betrayal, it’s also the fact that he was the good one. Hypocritical, I know, but obviously emotions don’t give a damn about hypocrisy.

I have made mistakes – at least a couple of big ones – but that just seems to compound the hurt and betrayal. I’m the screw-up, the one that makes mistakes, the one who fucks up and nearly ruins everything. He has always been the good, loyal, forgiving, understanding one – he’s been my rock, my anchor to life and love and happiness.

And then he fucked up.

Now my rock is cracked, my anchor rusted, and I’m left drifting, lost, clinging to what was and hoping for a future that once seemed so solid and sure.

Do I sink or swim?


Emotional overload

Today I was asked how I deal with emotional overload (due to a particular subject/issue) – and I answered with what I’ve been trying to do more of, namely: write or draw or paint.

This goes for ANY sort of emotional distress, or even an overload of ‘good’ emotions.
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Being brave enough to show you’re not brave

I totally am in awe of the wonderful Effy Wild.

Not only because she is an inspiring, quirky artist and all-round awesome person, but because she  is brave. Not charge into battle brave, but PERSONALLY brave.

In her latest post on her website/blog (here – trigger warning: depression) she bit the proverbial bullet and shared with her immense fan-base, student-base, and friend-base the depths of her despair and depression. She typed the raw confession that leaves me (and undoubtedly others within our not-so-little community) at once horrified and grateful.


For being brave enough to show you’re not brave.

For continuing when all seems lost.

For being open and honest, even if it took some extracted promises.

For showing us that it is ok to not be OK, that even though the black dog visits many, it is always in varying degrees of severity and length of stay.

For continuing to be you, the awesome and authentic EFFY WILD.

Please, if you or anyone you know is having trouble with mental health issues, PLEASE seek professional help. Talk to someone, call one of the many anonymous “suicide line” / mental health phone numbers, visit their websites, see your doctor.


Black Dog: Symptom or Sign?

Week 3 17-01-2014 (catch up post)

This topic is not on the list of prompts for the Pagan Blog Project 2014 posts, but it starts with B and it’s an interesting observance (to me, anyway)

Depression is sometimes referred to as “the Black Dog”, and in my experience, many Pagans have had a brush with this dark canine.

Of the many Pagans I know personally, approximately two-thirds have been diagnosed with depression or a similar mental illness. Of that number, most work with deities, energies, and/or entities usually portrayed as ‘dark’.  Does this mean it’s more likely a Pagan is depressed? Or that depression marks a person as more open-minded spiritually?

Honestly, I don’t know.

I can only comment on my own experiences, and speculate about the wider population.

I often wondered if my diagnosis of Black Dog was connected to me finally recognising my patron deity Hekate (whom I have since realized has been with me for as long as I can accurately recall memories).

My daughter was about 9 months old when a chat with my social worker prompted that fateful doctor’s visit. Like the (now obvious) signs and influence from my patron, I hadn’t recognised the significance of these emotions. As far back as I can remember, I have always had this outlook, these feelings – this desolation in my soul, an affinity for darkness and the macabre. Even after two suicide attempts, I thought it was ‘normal’ to feel this way – I had never felt any different.

I was experiencing a pretty severe Dark Night of the Soul, felt completely lost and useless. The world – and my life – felt like an entirely futile endeavour. I believed  – and still do believe – in reincarnation, so I guess my thoughts were along the lines of “maybe I’ll get a better life next time.” I know it doesn’t make much sense, but then neither does suicide itself.

I tend to believe the reason mentally ill people gravitate towards Paganism and alternate spirituality, is because of the balance. Mental illness causes an imbalance in your life – and Paganism (in my experience, anyway) is largely about maintaining the balance, honouring & acknowledging both the light and the dark, and applying this idea of balance to everything – what we do, what we feel, what’s all around and within us. We are light. We are dark. Light cannot exist without darkness & vice versa, and in working positively with both forces (as a lot of Pagans strive for) we can improve our lives – and ourselves.

**If anyone reading this is feeling depressed, suicidal, out of sorts, or worried about their mental health – or that of another – please PLEASE seek help. Talk to your friends, your family, your doctor.

If you want to remain anonymous, or feel like you can’t talk to anyone you know, try the contacts below (Australian resources)


KIDS HELPLINE 1800 55 1800

LIFELINE 13 11 14